Notorious "Sewer Bandit" Feels the Jaws of Mob Justice!

We almost regret to inform you that notorious "Sewer Bandit", Samuel Litersburough, also known as Mr. Sam by close friends and pets, was savagely beaten and bruised mysteriously in his hospital room last night. Authorities claim that the intruder(s) broke into the room multiple times starting at 5:01 p.m. all the way until 9:59 a.m. the next day.

Hospital orderlies who were present did nothing to stop these actions, out of a sense of patriotic duty and also because those hours coincided with their extended lunch break. When asked about this, the orderlies simply replied that the St.Richie General Hospital of 55th canteen serves the best meat loaf this side of town, and that it needed their utmost attention.

The doctor on duty was unavailable for comment, because he was in the middle of a stomach pumping operation. It is yet unclear whether he was the performer or the recipient of this procedure, if not both.

Mr. Sam is currently in a medically induced coma for his injuries and actions. His trial has been moved to an unspecified date in the late spring of the next decade.

Even though the perpetrator of the town's water problems has been apprehended and dealt with, water problems do continue to persist in San Isidoro. The S.I.P.D, suspect a string of copy-cat hydroterrorists to be behind these attacks. Residents continue to report seeing tall bald men tampering with their pipes and other water related instruments.

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Additionally, Mr.Litersburough's bloated corpse was found in the town water tower with a single bullet wound in the chest, just this morning. It is yet unclear how this has happened, since Mr. Sam is currently in a comatose state, and alive at the moment. His new hospital room has been moved to the fourth floor, but now has three easily accessible windows, and an open air balcony that overlooks the old cinema on 55th street.

Everyone is praying that these copy-cat hydroterrorists are brought to justice, swiftly, severely and in a manner befitting of stimulating Conversation.

God bless San Isidoro, U.S.A (and proud!)