The Editorial You Deserve On The Recent Wildcat Revolution
The time-tested adage has once again proven true: "In times of war, truth is the first casualty."
Sometimes, it is because of the iron grip of a dictator on the media. Others, a massive wave of misleading propaganda bent on changing your opinions and taking over your minds. In this case, it's shoddy reporting.
And I, James Doe, chief unpaid editorial assistant (read: intern) of The Conversationalist, San Isidoro U.S.A. am not going to stand for this. I will give you fine people the facts you desire and deserve about the Wildcat Invasion. And I am going to start doing this promptly, since they are currently outside the factory gates. They've evolved to sense internet connections, you know.
So, without further ado, the facts as we know them:
- The poor quality of the recently-released "report" (I shudder to call it such) on the wildcat menace was not the result of haste or an ongoing wildcat attack. Instead, it was Lucardia and Frank fighting over the keyboard here. Disgraceful, I know. I wish Frank hadn't slipped and accidentally pressed the "Publish" key, because that would have saved us a lot of embarrassment. As it stands, The Conversationalist's rigid "no taksie-backsies" policy prevents me from taking this rubbish down from our prestigious site.
- The wildcat invasion was brought into the public eye during the election day scandal, in which Mayor Dunwal was violently disemboweled by wildcats as he stepped up to the podium to claim his ill-gotten victory. Hours before the official election, Dunwal had drafted a new proclamation and forced all six San Isidoro electoral council members to ratify it at gunpoint (a legal political move, according to San Isidoro Electoral Handbook Sub-Section 18K), stating that he would be promoted from "Mayor" of San Isidoro to a newly created position, "Mayor for Life". This move drew public ire as citizens noted he neglected to use the proper ink to affix his signature to the new bill, rendering a grievous case of electoral fraud.
- In the five-minute snap election that followed (in the midst of the ongoing wildcat attack), opponent Antonious Stiff was elected into the recently vacated position, but could not be approached for comment as he had been stolen by wildcats, who are noted to have a penchant for well-dressed mannequins.
- Dunwal's Secret Nuclear Protocol (which was declassified just a few weeks ago, when The Conversationalist team broke into his office and stole his documents before using them as firewood and tissue papers) was suddenly put into effect when the pacemaker in the late "Mayor-for-Life"''s chest detected his death and activated the concealed nuclear array hidden under the front lawn of his residence. This quickly solved the mystery of why said garden was being fertilized with weapons-grade Forbidium up to that point.
- Three fourths of the San Isidoro populace was obliterated by the radiation, which the wildcats were, strangely enough, immune to. The rest went into hiding in local establishments and sun shelters. Our staff was clever enough to seek shelter in the nearby abandoned Uncle Panbread's Plant, where we enjoy generous daily servings of delicious resalted butter and not much else.
- The infamous Sewer Bandit escaped custody after one of Dunwal's Secret Tactical Nukes disintegrated the north wall of the San Isidoro Penitentiary Gladiatorial Pit, where he was at the time. After walking out into the street to enjoy his new-found freedom, he was run over and killed by a group fleeing in an armored news-van. We have a firsthand account of this event because we were said group fleeing in an armored news-van. We are not at liberty to discuss why we own such a vehicle, or if we have the proper permits for the operation of it. Thankfully, the San Isidoro Vehicular Board office was also obliterated by such a nuke, so we should be fine.
- The sun hasn't set on San Isidoro since that fateful day. Recent theories suggest that it's not actually the sun, but remnants of nuclear radiation. Either way, this doesn't help our case at all because wildcats (like humans) hunt the best in broad daylight.
And that's it for now! Apologies for the lack of a fitting picture, but wildcats are also attracted to tasteful graphics and I didn't want to take my chances, especially given my expertise in the field. So please settle for this rendition of our fine newsletter's logo. I have to shut down the computer now. The wildcats are eyeing the fence. I think they can smell my WiFi.
Doing the news right,
James Doe
The only sane individual in this trainwreck of a newspaper company
(and proud!)