Fur Real? Fur-Man Phobia Sweeps San Isidoro
It's been quite a while since my last hot scoop on the elusive and purportedly real "fur-man", but that's because I've been a bit busy researching on the many claims raised by the fine people of San Isidoro regarding this monster, and also grieving over the loss of my beloved Mike. Anyway, here's the by-the-minute on the Fur-man Frenzy that's inhibited our delectable and undoubtedly local town:
- Citizens are in a flurry after the latest "Fur-Man attack", with several A.W.N.W.s or Anti-Wildlife-Neighborhood-Watches being formed throughout town. They are very happy to inform that they are ready to protect, serve, and that they are fully armed and dangerous (against dangerous wildlife, of course!).
- Local conspiracy theorists have begun to draw links between the actions of the "Fur-Man" and local hydroterrorist sects, citing the fact that both are "Dangerous" and "Fur or Water Related" as proof of this connection. As always, these sources were awarded for their theories by the San Isidoro City Hall and San Isidoro Fiction Writer's Guild as thanks for their advance warning/provision of entertainment.
- Bold Strokes Petting Zoo's Bipedal Bespectacled Wildcat enclosure has been broken into, with signs of non-forced entry, since the infiltrator apparently had an all-access keycard. Local SIPD Operatives suspect that rogue wildcats have begun to learn to use primitive tools to craft replica keys and other espionage essentials. Citizens are warned to be on high-alert and to outfit their homes and enclosures with Wildcat-Proof locks, which can be purchased at the City Hall Gift and Home Security Shop.
- Clumps of discolored fur have been found all around the fair streets of our town. Local fashion mogul Sebastian Dinerino capitalized on this trend, crafting a new line of eco-friendly fur coats out of the new, salvaged material. These coats are reported to smell like old glue and skin fixative, otherwise known in the industry as The Scent of Fashion.
- Mike isn't coming back, is he?
- The esteemed Mayor Dunwal has promised that "aggressive action" is being taken in relation to the Fur-Man, assuring the populace that hearing about this menace does indeed make him very angry, and that this motivates him to exercise in fits of rage at the gym every Thursday. He thanks the citizenship for their concern for the matter, as this is a valuable component of his fitness regimen.
In completely unrelated news, the beloved proprietor of local petting zoo Bold Strokes, Albert Furkin, is still unable to be located. Any information leading to his rescue will be generously compensated with a free All-You-Can-Pet Pass to the zoo's renowned Wildcat Sanctuarium! Go wildcats!
McKenzie Ewalds (Formerly Sanchez) of The Conversationalist